What I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Having Teens
Do you need advice for parenting teens? Read on for some tried-and-true wisdom.
Advice for Parenting Teens
There is a world of difference between a child and a teenager, and you cannot parent them in the same way.
You need a new playbook for handling teens!
They are changing every day, and they are also moving toward independence.
They may resent your help but need it all the same. It’s a tough age to parent.
Luckily, we have some advice for parenting teens that will help you immensely.
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10 Tips for Parenting Teens
This advice for parenting teens is practical and effective.
Stay Up: They Will Open Up at Night
Do you miss that your child was an open book? They would tell you exactly what they were thinking and feeling.
This is not the case with most teens. They become more self-conscious and introspective.
They will have moments when they want to talk. Prepare yourself: this is usually right when you want to go to bed.
Teens have different circadian rhythms than middle-aged adults. When you are ready to wind down, they are ready to stay up and chat.
If you want to listen to them, you will need to grab that cup of coffee and stay up.
A little sleep deprivation is worth a stronger connection with your teen.
Drive in the Car
Before your teen has a license, they will ask you to drive them everywhere.
Look at this as an opportunity to spend quality time with your teen.
Ask your teen to create a playlist for the car where you each give input into the songs on the list. You will learn a lot!
Teens often open up to you in the car because they don’t have to look at you (remember, they are self-conscious).
Pick Your Battles
Teens want to be independent and will resent the rules (even the good ones) you have in place.
If you choose to micromanage their life, you will have endless battles.
Decide on your nonnegotiables, and let the other stuff go.
What are examples of nonnegotiable rules?
Here are some classics: attending school, having a part-time job (once they are a junior or senior), personal hygiene, keeping a clean room, and helping out around the house.
Give Them Some Autonomy
You need to let teens make some of their own choices.
Let them choose what to wear (as long as it is weather-appropriate or falls within some general guidelines).
If they are older teens, let them choose how late to stay up and how late to sleep in on the weekends.
When it comes to food, let them make their own choices. The exception: If you prepare a family dinner, then everyone eats that.
Teens want to spend time with their friends. If they have their studies and chores done, let them.
Respond, Don’t React
Teens are emotional (in part because of their raging hormones) and argumentative. It’s a powerful combination!
When they raise the emotional temperature in the room, you need to keep your cool.
Do not yell. That only betrays your frustration and makes things ten times worse.
If you feel yourself losing your cool (and you will), walk away. Take a breather (literally, try some breathing exercises).
Tell your teen, “I need ten minutes.”
This does not mean you are avoiding conflict. You need to respond to your teen, not react.
For more on navigating conflict with your teens, read the book Parenting Teens with Love and Logic.
Be Open to Discussion and LISTEN
When your kids were little, you told them to do something, and they did it. Period.
Teens require a different parenting approach.
They will no longer obey you unquestioningly.
This is actually a good thing. Teens need to know how to think through decisions.
When you share the “why” behind your decisions, you show them how to think through their future choices.
Here’s the tricky part: they may not accept your reasoning. They will push back.
Do not fly off the handle when this happens. Pushing back is developmentally appropriate. (See the tip on picking your battles.)
Be open to discussion. Listen to your teen’s perspective and their reasoning. Be willing to change your mind.
Don’t make every decision a power struggle, or your relationship with your teen will only be one of contention.
Download Life360
Your teen has a social calendar that likely does not include you.
Life360 allows you to see the location of everyone in your family circle. You will know where your teen is at all times.
In the paid version, you can even monitor your teen’s driving.
If your teen feels unsafe, they can silently send an SOS through the app.
No teen likes the idea of being tracked, but this can be one of your nonnegotiables. If they want a phone and a car, they have to have Life360.
Establish Healthy Boundaries
Your teen is entering a wider world and will need healthy boundaries.
This is especially true with technology.
Ask your teen to show you their favorite app or social media site and explain how they use it.
You can draw up a Family Media Agreement and discuss when they can use their phone/computer and which apps they can have.
A parental control app like Circle can help you monitor your teen’s tech usage.
Talk about internet safety and the pitfalls of social media. You may want to forbid social media until a certain age.
For more ideas, read the book The Tech-Wise Family.
Make Your House the Hangout Spot
Do all you can to make your home an inviting place for teens to hang out.
This way you can get to know your teen’s friends and provide them a safe place to be together.
Get a mini-fridge and stock it with drinks and snacks.
Is it possible to dedicate a space in your home for teens? Get your teen’s input on what to put in the space, like bean bag chairs or color-changing LED lights.
You don’t have to hide when your teen’s friends come over but retreat to the background (aka, don’t hover).
Keep Family Rituals
Your teen has a social life and may not want to spend as much time with you.
Even if your teen does not have many social obligations, some teens become reclusive and prefer to spend time alone.
All of this is ok, but keep some family rituals. These could be family dinners (at least a certain number per week), weekly game or movie nights, or longstanding family traditions.
Even if your teen seems grumpy about participating, these family rituals will help your bond endure during the teenage years.
Parenting in the Teen Years
Your children are people, and the vast majority of your relationship with them will be while they are adults.
The teen years are the bridge to adulthood.
You can pave the way for a healthy, lifelong relationship by shifting your approach in the teen years.
Parenting teens can be fulfilling and fun when you follow these tips and advice.
