What I Wish Someone Had Told Me About My Kids Going to College
Do you have kids going to college? This invaluable advice is both personal and practical.
Are Your Kids Going to College?
Get ready, get set, it’s time for a new adventure!
Although you may have scouted out the school, ordered the dorm supplies, and bought the college T-shirt, is your student ready? Are you?
These tips for parents of kids going to college will help you and them navigate the transition with only a few bumps (because some bumps are inevitable!).
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Practical Advice for Parents of New College Students
Read on for some personal and practical advice for parents whose kids are going to college for the first time.
Give Them a Practical Education Before They Go
Your child may be academically prepared for college, but are they practically prepared for life as an independent adult?
Even if they plan on living in a dorm and having a meal plan, spend the summer before making sure they know how to do the following:
- Wash, dry, and fold a load of laundry
- Cook a few simple and budget-friendly meals
- Keep a tidy room
- Use their email (daily)
- Do basic budgeting and pay bills
- Find the people who can help them (academic advising, the tutoring center, counseling and health services)
- Make a health appointment
Do not assume your child can do any of this because they have watched you do it.
Make them show you (not just tell you) that they can do these things before they go to college.
Know They May Not Call Often, but They Still Love You
Your child is eager to be independent, and they may interpret independence as disconnecting from you, at least initially.
Don’t react if your college-aged kid gives you the silent treatment. To be honest, they are just consumed with themselves and their new environment.
They aren’t trying to be mean or insensitive. Don’t take this personally.
You may have a child on the opposite end of the spectrum. They may call you all the time. Perhaps they are lonely or unhappy.
(See the next three pieces of advice for more on this.)
Have Them Take a Look at College Clubs and Groups
Before your child heads off to college, help them navigate to the college webpage that lists clubs and groups.
Ask them to find three groups that interest them. Tell them to reach out to the group through social media or email for more information.
Once college starts, your child should attend the campus involvement fair (all schools have these).
Loneliness can be a real problem at college. Students are away from their family and friends and plunged into a new environment.
They want new friends, but they aren’t sure how to make them.
If they want to make friends, they need to get involved. Find three “circles” of involvement.
These circles could include clubs, faith groups, sports teams (varsity, club, or intramural), campus jobs, or campus organizations.
By participating in groups, they will interact with others and make more friends.
Help Them Help Themselves
You have been managing your child’s life for 18+ years. Now it is their turn.
You can continue to be a resource for your child, but do not be a rescuer.
The time has come for them to manage their life.
What does this look like? If they get sick, don’t make the doctor’s appointment for them. Send them the phone number or the website to make their own appointment.
If they do badly on a test, do not contact the professor. They need to advocate for themselves. Send them a link to the college tutoring services website or encourage them to go to their professor’s office hours.
You can even role-play with them on what they can say to their professor to ask for help.
The same is true if they are experiencing problems with their roommate (this is very common). Listen to them, but do not rescue them.
Again, help them role-play a conversation with their roommate to work through the conflict. If that doesn’t work, encourage them to reach out to their resident advisor.
Your student is an adult now (or at least a semi-adult!). You know the expression about “teaching a man to fish;” put it into practice!
It is time to stop catching the fish for your child. You need to teach them to fish for themselves.
Don’t Panic If They Don’t Like College the First Year
Most people have high hopes for college. They hear graduates talk about how it was “the best time in their lives.”
People neglect to mention that it did not feel that way at first. The first semester (even the first year) is often overwhelming, disorienting, and lonely.
It takes time to adjust to college life and build that all-important support system.
Encourage your student to ride it out for a semester, if not the first year, before considering a major change like transferring.
Realize They Have a Legal Right to Privacy
When your child turns 18 (or when they enter college, whichever comes first), you no longer have a legal right to their student financial, health, and academic information.
FERPA stands for the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act. This law states that students have a right to educational privacy.
You cannot call their professors, speak to the registrar about their grades, or check their class attendance or assignments.
You will not receive a copy of their transcript unless they are a financial dependent and you submit the request in writing and provide the necessary documentation.
Go to Parents’ Weekend
Even if your student is attending a college far away, you are still their primary support system.
This is true even if they are the type who rarely calls.
You need to express your support for your child. They may seem like they don’t care or that this doesn’t matter, but it does.
Call them once or twice a week. If they don’t answer, leave a cheery voicemail message.
You can also text them once or twice a week with a message of “Just checking in. Have a great day!” or “We are thinking of you today! Love you!” Or send them a funny meme.
When Parents’ Weekend rolls around, your child may tell you don’t need to come. Don’t listen. You should go.
Meet their friends. See their favorite spots on campus.
You do not want to hound your student in college. Do not be a needy parent. But let them know by word and deed that you are there for them.
Don’t Give Lump Sums
Students are learning to manage money for the first time in their lives.
They may not be very good at it.
If you plan on supporting your child financially, do not give them a lump sum at the beginning of the semester.
Instead, develop a payment schedule. This ensures they won’t “spend it all in one place.”
Learn to Listen
One final piece of advice for parents of kids going to college: learn to listen.
The first year is a roller coaster of emotions (for you and them). They will struggle. That is inevitable.
Be a sounding board. Don’t pass judgment; ask questions instead.
Don’t be afraid to ask hard questions like, “Are you depressed?” or “Do you feel safe?” Point them to the resources to help them.
And you can still be their parent. It’s okay to point out that adequate sleep, proper nutrition, and regular exercise can go a long way to helping them feel better.
Advice for Parents of College Kids
If you have kids who are going to college, you are both at a big inflection point.
Your role is changing in their life (from authority to mentor), but you will always be important to them.
Help them (and you) navigate this transition to adulthood by following these tips.
